


I'll Miss You

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: Suilad Aran Thranduil [12]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, I warn you guise about the whole writing thing like all the time, implied self harm, implied suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 02:37:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1493551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So Long Sentiment. It doesn't matter now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Miss You

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know elves can fade. Thranduil, being Thranduil fades a different way... I don't exactly know what happened with this. But like Arya and I cried? So... 
> 
> So Long Sentiment by Celldweller.

_**Under this crushing weight, I'm sinking** _   
_**It never goes away, the thinking** _   
_**Echoes in empty rooms decaying** _   
_**Alone to face the rest of me** _

He’s gone. Gone away. Gone over the shore. Gone to happiness, and light, and peace. Gone to a place he can cast the weight from his shoulders. But surely he cast that weight upon my own shoulders, for suddenly I am sinking, suddenly I’m cracking. Suddenly I feel I could very much become part of the floor. Suddenly I feel I have not the strength to stand.

It’s not just the weight on my shoulders, the crushing weight that pushes and pushes down and I can’t get away. It’s not just that. It’s the thoughts that inhabit my mind. All the things I should have said, all the things I should have done. It’s not just the crushing weight upon my shoulders, but the voices in my head. They float around in my head and never seem to go away. It’s agony.

But it’s not just the weight on my shoulders, that crushing weight that pushes and pushes down, and it’s not just the voices in my head that never go away. It’s the ghosts of the past, following me through these empty rooms. It’s the echoes of things long since passed and never to be again. Conversations we once had, the fights we tried to forget, the moments that meant something and stayed with us. The moments that meant something and imprinted themselves in these walls. 

But it’s not just the weight on my shoulders, that crushing weight that pushes and pushes down, it’s not just the voices in my head that never go away, it’s not just the ghosts of the past haunting me every step I take. It’s the vast nothing that surrounds me, the vast nothing where once there was e _verything._ It’s the knowledge that I am alone now. Alone to face myself. Alone to face my past. Alone to face my mistakes. Alone to face the demons I’ve tried so hard to destroy.

**_So long sentiment_ **   
**_It doesn't matter now_ **   
**_So long sentiment_ **   
**_It doesn't matter now_ **

It shouldn’t be hard to cast the weakness from my body. I once had a heart made of stone and a tongue made of silver, but now? Now…

No. I will turn my heart to ice. I do not need to feel. I need to rule. I do need to grieve, I need to rule. I do not need to hate, I need to rule. I do not need to hope, I need to rule. No.

So long sentiment. It doesn’t matter now. Doesn’t matter now and it never will again. Not ever. Not for anyone or anything. He is gone and he is never coming back. I do not need… it doesn’t matter now. He’s gone. So long sentiment.

**_What the hell is wrong with me?_ **   
**_Why am I torturing myself?_ **   
**_Inhaling all these memories_ **   
**_Like a breath of fire sent from hell_ **

This place is stifling, I do not know why I remain. Choking on these memories like they’re smoke from the great fire. I do not know why I am doing this. I do not know why I am here. These memories do nothing but break me. I need to get away. I need to get away.

**_Well lucky me I'm finally all alone  
I'll miss you_ **

**_So long sentiment_ **   
**_It doesn't matter now_ **   
**_So long sentiment_ **   
**_It doesn't matter now_ **

I miss him. I miss him. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I’m not ashamed to say it. I miss him. And how can I not? He is my son. He is my son and he is gone from me. Gone far away, and I am left here, left here all alone. I miss him, but I can’t miss him. I’m not allowed to miss him. Missing him means my heart still knows how to feel. Feeling means I can be broken. If I am broken then I cannot rule. I need to rule. I must rule.

I miss him. I miss him. I can’t miss him. I can’t miss him. It doesn’t matter now. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. He’s gone. Missing him will not bring him back. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. I don’t miss him. I don’t miss him. I don’t miss him at all. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.

So long sentiment.

**_What the hell is wrong with me?_ **   
**_Why am I torturing myself?_ **   
**_Fixated on these memories_ **   
**_Like a prisoner inside a cell_ **

**_Well lucky me I'm finally all alone  
I'll miss you_ **

I can’t shake off these memories. I don’t… I don’t know why. I’m trapped, trapped in my own mind and memories and I can’t get out, can never get out. Why did I do this? What happened to me? Why did I do this? Why did I..?

I’ve been alone for so long now. I’ve been on my own for so long. No one to lead. No one to rule. No one to make me endure. I don’t…

I miss him. That king. So assured of himself. So beloved by his people. I miss him. He was me once, I think, I don’t know. He must have been. I remember him. But he’s joined the ghosts that haunt me. He’s joined the voices in my mind that taunt me. I miss him.

**_With nothing useful to say and no one to listen to it_ **   
**_Filling the deep with the pain, I slowly sink into it_ **   
**_Consider questionable things to try to get me through it_ **   
**_I've tried to push it away but I always give into it_ **   
**_Long for the taste of the rain that finally helps subdue it_ **   
**_And washes this all away_ **

Elven hearts weren’t meant to endure this kind of pain. Elven minds weren’t meant to reach the point of breaking and never go over but never recover. Elven bodies weren’t meant to endure this kind of abuse. It’s a poison. This is a poison. I’m poisoning myself. But I don’t know how to stop, don’t know if I can. This poison, it keeps me going. The irony. The thing killing me is the only thing keeping me alive. Wine just doesn’t cut it anymore, I don’t think it ever did.

**_Under this crushing weight, I'm sinking_ **   
**_It never goes away, the thinking_ **   
**_Echoes in empty rooms are saying_ **   
**_“Time to erase the rest of me”_ **

It’s never gotten easier to carry that weight upon my shoulders. The harder I try, the heavier it gets and the faster I sink. I’ve never found the way to get rid of those voices in my head, instead more voices have joined them, payback, I suppose, for all the parties I used to throw. Those ghosts, those stupid, stupid ghosts, they taunt and torment me. My ghost. The ghost of the elf I used to be, he laughs. He’s so far away from me now. He laughs and he laughs, and he says ‘it’s time to erase the rest of me’ and how can I refuse him?

**_So long sentiment  
It doesn't matter now_ **

It doesn’t… it doesn’t matter now… that thing… whatever it was… it doesn’t… it doesn’t matter. Why did it ever matter? Why did it…? It doesn’t…


End file.
